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THE SEINFILES
ACT ONE INT. JERRY'S APARTMENT - DAY JERRY AND GEORGE ARE IN THE APARTMENT. GEORGE IS DIGGING THROUGH A BOX OF CEREAL. GEORGE You hear lotto is at twenty-four million, Jerry? JERRY I didn't know you played lotto, George. GEORGE Nah.
Why should I? I'll never
win. JERRY What
would you do if you won lotto? GEORGE I'll
tell you one thing. If I ever won
lotto, then I’d definitely buy a ticket. JERRY
WATCHES AS GEORGE DIGS THROUGH HIS CEREAL. JERRY What
are you doing, George? GEORGE Looking
for the prize. GEORGE
PULLS THE PRIZE OUT OF THE BOX AND UNWRAPS IT. GEORGE
(CONT’D) Would
you look at this? GEORGE
HOLDS UP A CHEAP PLASTIC CRUCIFIX. JERRY You
know, whatever happened to the separation between church and flakes? KRAMER BURSTS INTO THE APARTMENT WEARING A BLINDFOLD. HE MARCHES OVER TO THE KITCHEN, GRABS A BOWL, THEN SWIPES A BOX OF CEREAL OFF THE SHELF.
BLINDFOLDED,
KRAMER STRUGGLES WITH THE FLAPS. ONLY
PROBLEM, HE’S HOLDING THE BOX UPSIDE DOWN.
CEREAL TRICKLES OUT ONTO THE FLOOR.
GROWING FRANTIC, KRAMER RIPS OPEN THE BOX AND STABS HIS HAND INSIDE JUST
AS THE ENTIRE BAG OF CEREAL PLOPS OUT ON THE FLOOR.
CONFUSED, KRAMER STOMPS AROUND, THE BOX OF CEREAL AROUND HIS ELBOW,
CEREAL CRUNCHING UNDER HIS FEET. JERRY You
know, Kramer, maybe I should go ahead and flood the bathroom? That way, when
you’re walking around blindfolded and you hear splashing, you’ll know
you’re in the bathroom. When you
hear crunching, you’re in the kitchen. KRAMER Shhhhh.
(BEAT) You want JERRY Great.
Now he’s a mind reader. KRAMER That’s
right…because I got it. GEORGE Got
what? KRAMER I
don’t know, but I got it. JERRY Would
you take off that stupid blindfold, Kramer? KRAMER I
don't need my eyes, Jerry. I’ve
opened my third eye. JERRY Well
it looks like your third eye could use a monocle. KRAMER
SLIPS THE BLINDFOLD DOWN AROUND HIS NECK. KRAMER I sense it, Jerry. You don't believe me. Then I’ll prove
it to you. Watch me read George’s mind. KRAMER
CLAMPS HIS HAND ON TOP OF GEORGE’S HEAD BUT GEORGE STRUGGLES HIS WAY OUT IT. GEORGE No
you don’t, Kramer. (GEORGE POINTS
TO HIS HEAD) If I stay out of here,
you stay out of here. JERRY How
did this psychic thing happen, Kramer? KRAMER You
know the palm reader on 83rd and Columbus? GEORGE You
mean where the
beautiful girl always sits in the window? JERRY
SWEEPS UP KRAMER’S MESS. KRAMER That's
the place. So I go into her shop today.
You know, get her to hold my hand so I can ask her about our future.
So, she’s doing the voodoo that she do, you know, when all of the
sudden I feel a sneeze coming on. Only
problem, she’s holding my right hand, my splash guard hand.
So what could I do? I held it in. GEORGE You
shouldn't do that, Kramer. I heard that can make your eyes pop out. KRAMER Well
that’s when it
happened…ZAP! GEORGE What
do you mean...ZAP! KRAMER Whatever
those psychics are selling, I got it. (KRAMER
WHIPS AROUND TO THE DOOR) Buzzer. THE
BUZZER BLARES. KRAMER
(CONT’D) Open
the door. It’s Elaine. AS
JERRY CONSIDERS THIS, KRAMER REACHES AROUND HIM AND BUZZES THE DOOR OPEN. GEORGE You’re
so psychic, Kramer. What’s Elaine
wearing? KRAMER
GOES INTO DEEP CONCENTRATION MODE. JERRY Great.
I’m living next to Nostra-Kosmo. KRAMER Hmmm.
She's got on a black coat. (BEAT) And guess what?
No bra. GEORGE You
can actually see that? Here, let me
see. GEORGE
GRABS KRAMER AND THE TWO STRUGGLE. KRAMER Get
away, George. You’re screwing up
my reception. ELAINE
ENTERS THE APARTMENT. SHE PULLS OFF
HER BLACK COAT AND SETS IT DOWN ON THE COUCH.
ALL EYES ARE ON HER. ELAINE What's
up? JERRY Apparently
not you. SHE
SEES THEM ALL STARING AT HER CHEST. ELAINE You
can tell? KRAMER Sunnyside
up. ELAINE
GIVES KRAMER A HUGE BODY SLAP. ELAINE How
did you know, Kramer? JERRY Kramer’s
psychic. ALL
OF THE SUDDEN, KRAMER SPASMS LIKE HE’S BEEN STRUCK BY LIGHTNING. KRAMER Uh,
oh. She’s coming. KRAMER
YANKS OPEN THE DOOR. KRAMER
(CONT’D) Whatever
you do, don’t tell her a thing. ELAINE Who? KRAMER Ruth. KRAMER
RACES OFF DOWN THE HALLWAY. ELAINE What
do you think? Psychic…or psycho? GEORGE He
knew what you were wearing, Elaine. How
do you explain that? JERRY I
think I’d check my walls for peepholes if I were you. ELAINE Why
do you care so much, George? GEORGE Oh…nothing. JERRY I
know. George wants Kramer to help
him win lotto. AN
OLD AND HAGGARD VOICE CALLS OUT FROM THE HALLWAY. RUTH
(O.C.) I
feel you near. (BEAT) I want it
back. It does not belong to you. THE
THREE LOOK AT EACH OTHER QUIZZICALLY. JERRY
PEEKS THROUGH THE PEEPHOLE. JERRY It’s
an old lady. GEORGE Maybe
it’s Ruth? RUTH
(O.C.) You,
behind the door. Mr. funny man. Open up. JERRY
SHRUGS AND OPENS THE DOOR TO REVEAL AN OLD GYPSY HAG WITH A GIANT WART ON HER
CHIN. RUTH
(CONT’D) I
can sense him. He's been here, hasn't he?
(BEAT) He has eaten here. JERRY (CHUCKLING)
You could say that. RUTH Well
where is he? THE
THREE AVERT THEIR EYES AND FIDGET. RUTH
(CONT’D) Where
did he go? GEORGE
CAN’T SEEM TO IGNORE THE OLD LADIES WART.
THE WITCH NOTICES GEORGE LOOKING AT HER. RUTH
(CONT’D) Tell
me, stubby. GEORGE Wart?
I mean what? (PANICKED) I
don’t know. RUTH Yes
you do. GEORGE Poof.
Gone. He just disappeared. RUTH
LETS OUT A BLOOD CURDLING SCREECH. RUTH So
he’s learned to use his powers, has he? Well
when I get through with him, there won’t be enough left of him to fill a Pez
dispenser. (BEAT) Make sure you
tell him I said that. Now I must
go. SHE
TURNS AND SHUFFLES AWAY AS JERRY SHUTS THE DOOR. JERRY You
think she looked homeless? ELAINE More
like broomless, if you ask me. (BEAT) Well,
you want to go grab some coffee? JERRY Later. ELAINE I
can’t later. I’ve got a date tonight. JERRY With
who? ELAINE He’s
a total romantic. And get
this...he’s a surgeon. JERRY Of
yeah? What kind of surgeon? ELAINE You
know, just a surgeon. GEORGE Is
he an eye surgeon, a brain surgeon, a cardiac surgeon- ELAINE All
right, so he’s a tree surgeon. GEORGE Exactly
what part of the body is the tree located? JERRY I
knew a guy who wanted to be a tree surgeon.
He couldn’t hack it. ELAINE Why
not? JERRY Couldn’t
stand the sight of sawdust. ELAINE Well
we’ve been on two dates so far, and both times he brought a gift.
Wrapped and everything. JERRY So
you’re dating a fur trader. ELAINE A
fur trader? GEORGE Believe
me. The gifts won't last. ELAINE What
do you mean? JERRY Don't
you get it? It’s a trade. They
give…so they can take. GEORGE And
they only give as long as there’s something left to take. ELAINE No.
You think? JERRY Yep.
Cause if you get to unwrap…he gets to unwrap. GEORGE Legally,
it's not prostitution but… ELAINE That's
how you two think everything is. Tit
for tat. JERRY More
like tat for… ELAINE Well,
he's cute, has a good job, and I sure do love getting gifts. GEORGE This,
your third date. We talking third
base? ELAINE None
of your business. GEORGE I’m
just trying to make sure you get fair market value. JERRY Third
base you should definitely get jewelry. GEORGE Big
jewelry. JERRY Size
definitely counts. ELAINE Gold? GEORGE For
you, could be bronze. ANOTHER KNOCK SOUNDS FROM THE DOOR. |
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