PeteTV Next

 

THE SEINFILES

 

ACT ONE

INT. JERRY'S APARTMENT - DAY

JERRY AND GEORGE ARE IN THE APARTMENT.  GEORGE IS DIGGING THROUGH A BOX OF CEREAL.

GEORGE

You hear lotto is at twenty-four million, Jerry?

JERRY

I didn't know you played lotto, George.

GEORGE

Nah.  Why should I?  I'll never win.

JERRY

What would you do if you won lotto?

GEORGE

I'll tell you one thing.  If I ever won lotto, then I’d definitely buy a ticket.

JERRY WATCHES AS GEORGE DIGS THROUGH HIS CEREAL.

JERRY

What are you doing, George?

GEORGE

Looking for the prize.

GEORGE PULLS THE PRIZE OUT OF THE BOX AND UNWRAPS IT.

GEORGE (CONT’D)

Would you look at this?

GEORGE HOLDS UP A CHEAP PLASTIC CRUCIFIX.

JERRY

You know, whatever happened to the separation between church and flakes?

KRAMER BURSTS INTO THE APARTMENT WEARING A BLINDFOLD.  HE MARCHES OVER TO THE KITCHEN, GRABS A BOWL, THEN SWIPES A BOX OF CEREAL OFF THE SHELF.

 

BLINDFOLDED, KRAMER STRUGGLES WITH THE FLAPS.  ONLY PROBLEM, HE’S HOLDING THE BOX UPSIDE DOWN.  CEREAL TRICKLES OUT ONTO THE FLOOR.  GROWING FRANTIC, KRAMER RIPS OPEN THE BOX AND STABS HIS HAND INSIDE JUST AS THE ENTIRE BAG OF CEREAL PLOPS OUT ON THE FLOOR.  CONFUSED, KRAMER STOMPS AROUND, THE BOX OF CEREAL AROUND HIS ELBOW, CEREAL CRUNCHING UNDER HIS FEET.

JERRY

You know, Kramer, maybe I should go ahead and flood the bathroom? That way, when you’re walking around blindfolded and you hear splashing, you’ll know you’re in the bathroom.  When you hear crunching, you’re in the kitchen.

KRAMER

Shhhhh.  (BEAT)  You want to know why I just did that.

JERRY

Great.  Now he’s a mind reader.

KRAMER

That’s right…because I got it.

GEORGE

Got what?

KRAMER

I don’t know, but I got it.

JERRY

Would you take off that stupid blindfold, Kramer?

KRAMER

I don't need my eyes, Jerry.  I’ve opened my third eye.

JERRY

Well it looks like your third eye could use a monocle.

KRAMER SLIPS THE BLINDFOLD DOWN AROUND HIS NECK.

KRAMER

I sense it, Jerry.  You don't believe me. Then I’ll prove it to you.  Watch me read George’s mind.

KRAMER CLAMPS HIS HAND ON TOP OF GEORGE’S HEAD BUT GEORGE STRUGGLES HIS WAY OUT IT.

GEORGE

No you don’t, Kramer.  (GEORGE POINTS TO HIS HEAD)  If I stay out of here, you stay out of here.

JERRY

How did this psychic thing happen, Kramer?

KRAMER

You know the palm reader on 83rd and Columbus?

GEORGE

You mean where the beautiful girl always sits in the window?

JERRY SWEEPS UP KRAMER’S MESS.

KRAMER

That's the place.  So I go into her shop today.  You know, get her to hold my hand so I can ask her about our future.  So, she’s doing the voodoo that she do, you know, when all of the sudden I feel a sneeze coming on.  Only problem, she’s holding my right hand, my splash guard hand.  So what could I do? I held it in.

GEORGE

You shouldn't do that, Kramer.  I heard that can make your eyes pop out.

KRAMER

Well that’s when it happened…ZAP!

GEORGE

What do you mean...ZAP!

KRAMER

Whatever those psychics are selling, I got it.  (KRAMER WHIPS AROUND TO THE DOOR)  Buzzer.

THE BUZZER BLARES.

KRAMER (CONT’D)

Open the door.  It’s Elaine.

AS JERRY CONSIDERS THIS, KRAMER REACHES AROUND HIM AND BUZZES THE DOOR OPEN.

GEORGE

You’re so psychic, Kramer.  What’s Elaine wearing?

KRAMER GOES INTO DEEP CONCENTRATION MODE.

JERRY

Great.  I’m living next to Nostra-Kosmo.

KRAMER

Hmmm.  She's got on a black coat. (BEAT) And guess what?  No bra.

GEORGE

You can actually see that?  Here, let me see.

GEORGE GRABS KRAMER AND THE TWO STRUGGLE.

KRAMER

Get away, George.  You’re screwing up my reception.

ELAINE ENTERS THE APARTMENT.  SHE PULLS OFF HER BLACK COAT AND SETS IT DOWN ON THE COUCH.  ALL EYES ARE ON HER.

ELAINE

What's up?

JERRY

Apparently not you.

SHE SEES THEM ALL STARING AT HER CHEST.

ELAINE

You can tell?

KRAMER

Sunnyside up.

ELAINE GIVES KRAMER A HUGE BODY SLAP.

ELAINE

How did you know, Kramer?

JERRY

Kramer’s psychic.

ALL OF THE SUDDEN, KRAMER SPASMS LIKE HE’S BEEN STRUCK BY LIGHTNING.

KRAMER

Uh, oh.  She’s coming.

KRAMER YANKS OPEN THE DOOR.

KRAMER (CONT’D)

Whatever you do, don’t tell her a thing.

ELAINE

Who?

KRAMER

Ruth.

KRAMER RACES OFF DOWN THE HALLWAY.

ELAINE

What do you think?  Psychic…or psycho?

GEORGE

He knew what you were wearing, Elaine.  How do you explain that?

JERRY

I think I’d check my walls for peepholes if I were you.

ELAINE

Why do you care so much, George?

GEORGE

Oh…nothing.

JERRY

I know.  George wants Kramer to help him win lotto.

AN OLD AND HAGGARD VOICE CALLS OUT FROM THE HALLWAY.

RUTH (O.C.)

I feel you near.  (BEAT)  I want it back.  It does not belong to you.

THE THREE LOOK AT EACH OTHER QUIZZICALLY.  JERRY PEEKS THROUGH THE PEEPHOLE.

JERRY

It’s an old lady.

GEORGE

Maybe it’s Ruth?

RUTH (O.C.)

You, behind the door.  Mr. funny man.  Open up.

JERRY SHRUGS AND OPENS THE DOOR TO REVEAL AN OLD GYPSY HAG WITH A GIANT WART ON HER CHIN.

RUTH (CONT’D)

I can sense him.  He's been here, hasn't he?  (BEAT)  He has eaten here.

JERRY

(CHUCKLING) You could say that.

RUTH

Well where is he?

THE THREE AVERT THEIR EYES AND FIDGET.

RUTH (CONT’D)

Where did he go?

GEORGE CAN’T SEEM TO IGNORE THE OLD LADIES WART.  THE WITCH NOTICES GEORGE LOOKING AT HER.

RUTH (CONT’D)

Tell me, stubby.

GEORGE

Wart?  I mean what?  (PANICKED) I don’t know.

RUTH

Yes you do.

GEORGE

Poof.  Gone.  He just disappeared.

RUTH LETS OUT A BLOOD CURDLING SCREECH.

RUTH

So he’s learned to use his powers, has he?  Well when I get through with him, there won’t be enough left of him to fill a Pez dispenser. (BEAT)  Make sure you tell him I said that.  Now I must go.

SHE TURNS AND SHUFFLES AWAY AS JERRY SHUTS THE DOOR.

JERRY

You think she looked homeless?

ELAINE

More like broomless, if you ask me. (BEAT)  Well, you want to go grab some coffee?

JERRY

Later.

ELAINE

I can’t later.  I’ve got a date tonight.

JERRY

With who?

ELAINE

He’s a total romantic.  And get this...he’s a surgeon.

JERRY

Of yeah?  What kind of surgeon?

ELAINE

You know, just a surgeon.

GEORGE

Is he an eye surgeon, a brain surgeon, a cardiac surgeon-

ELAINE

All right, so he’s a tree surgeon.

GEORGE

Exactly what part of the body is the tree located?

JERRY

I knew a guy who wanted to be a tree surgeon.  He couldn’t hack it.

ELAINE

Why not?

JERRY

Couldn’t stand the sight of sawdust.

ELAINE

Well we’ve been on two dates so far, and both times he brought a gift.  Wrapped and everything.

JERRY

So you’re dating a fur trader.

ELAINE

A fur trader?

GEORGE

Believe me.  The gifts won't last.

ELAINE

What do you mean?

JERRY

Don't you get it?  It’s a trade. They give…so they can take.

GEORGE

And they only give as long as there’s something left to take.

ELAINE

No.  You think?

JERRY

Yep.  Cause if you get to unwrap…he gets to unwrap.

GEORGE

Legally, it's not prostitution but…

ELAINE

That's how you two think everything is.  Tit for tat.

JERRY

More like tat for…

ELAINE

Well, he's cute, has a good job, and I sure do love getting gifts.

GEORGE

This, your third date.  We talking third base?

ELAINE

None of your business.

GEORGE

I’m just trying to make sure you get fair market value.

JERRY

Third base you should definitely get jewelry.

GEORGE

Big jewelry.

JERRY

Size definitely counts.

ELAINE

Gold?

GEORGE

For you, could be bronze.

ANOTHER KNOCK SOUNDS FROM THE DOOR.

CONTINUED

 

[HOME]