PeteTV Up

 

ACT ONE CONT'D

THE THREE LOOK AT EACH OTHER.

GEORGE (CONTíD)

You think itís Ruth?  Hold it a sec, Jerry.

GEORGE GOES AND GRABS THE PLASTIC CRUCIFIX THEN CAUTIOUSLY APPROACHES THE DOOR.

ELAINE

Thatíll be perfect if itís Count Chocula.

JERRY CHECKS THE PEEPHOLE.

JERRY

Oh my god.  Sheís beautiful.

JERRY OPENS THE DOOR AND HAZEL, YOUNG, PRETTY, AND FLAT-CHESTED, STEPS IN.

GEORGE

Hey!  Youíre the palm reader.

HAZEL

Hi.  I'm Hazel.  Was my Aunt Ruth just here?

JERRY

Aunt Ruth.  Is she real old?  Has a wart the size of a Cheerio?

HAZEL

Thatís her.  Damn!  Whenever she gets out of the cellar, thereís trouble.

ELAINE

What kind of trouble?

HAZEL

You donít want to know.

JERRY

Does your Aunt Ruth seem a little like aÖ

HAZEL

Like a witch.

JERRY

Now that you mention it, yes.

HAZEL

Thatís because she is a witch.

ELAINE

And are you a witch?

HAZEL

Nah.  I donít have the dedication.

GEORGE

It takes dedication to be a witch?

HAZEL

Are you kidding?  Four years as an apprentice, another four in a coven, and then three years of residency.  And witching now is so specialized.

JERRY

And I bet malpractice costs a fortune.

HAZEL GRABS JERRYíS HAND AND STARES AT IT, MESMERIZED.

HAZEL

My God.  Your love line.  A man with such a line would have to be extraordinary.  (BEAT) But I must go.  I must find my Aunt Ruth.

HAZEL STARTS TO LEAVE.  AT THE DOOR, SHE WHIPS BACK AROUND TO FACE JERRY.

HAZEL (CONTíD)

Sure, Jerry.  Iíll go out with you.

JERRY

Iím sorry, did I say something?

HAZEL

You don't have to.  I can sense things.  My shop closes at 8:00. Meet me there.

JERRY

Okay, I guess.

HAZEL EXITS.  JERRY CLOSES THE DOOR.

ELAINE

Were you really thinking of asking her out, Jerry?

JERRY

I donít know.  In a way, I guess Iím always thinking that.

GEORGE

You are so lucky, Jerry.

JERRY

I don't know.  A palm reader.

GEORGE

Iíd give my right hand to go out with a palm reader.

INT. MONKíS DINER Ė DAY

JERRY, GEORGE, AND ELAINE JOIN KRAMER ALREADY SITTING AT THE TABLE.

KRAMER

So.  Whatíd she say?

JERRY

Youíre in big trouble, Kramer.  Sheís a witch.

GEORGE

And Jerryís going out with her niece. The palm reader.

KRAMER

Thatís good, Jerry.  Real good.  Youíre my inside man.  She say anything else?

ELAINE

Nah.  Just something about destroying you.

THE WAITRESS COMES UP.

WAITRESS

Can I take your order?

KRAMER

Allow me.  (KRAMER READS THEIR MINDS ONE BY ONE) The lady would like aÖa club salad.  The bald one wants tuna on toast.  And Jerryíll haveÖvegetable soup.

ALL EYES ARE NOW ON KRAMER, WHO LOOKS TOTALLY LOST.

WAITRESS

And for you?

KRAMER

(FRANTIC) Oh my God!  I have no idea what Iím thinking.  Does anybody know what Iím thinking?

JERRY

Heíll just have a coffee.

THE WAITRESS LEAVES.  KRAMER LOOKS SHAKEN.

ELAINE

What happened to you, Kramer?

KRAMER

All of the sudden, all I could think was twenty-four million, twenty-four million.

GEORGE

That would be me.

KRAMER

Well keep it down, will you?

GEORGE

But Lottoís at twenty-four million.  You gotta get me those numbers, Kramer.

KRAMER

Not now, George.  I gotta conserve my energy.

ELAINE

I wouldnít mind winning lotto.

GEORGE

No you donít, Elaine.  It was my idea.

ELAINE

Right.  Thatís like taking credit for breathing.

 JERRY

I say if anyone wins we should split it four ways.

GEORGE

No way, Jerry.  Youíre not suckering me in.  Split it four ways.  A lousy six million.  Thatís chump change.

KRAMER

Well donít worry.  Nobodyís getting any numbers.

ELAINE

So whatís this mind reading like, Kramer?

KRAMER

WellÖjust imagine Iím David Hasselhoff, and your brains are swimming on my beach.

LATER, THE FOOD COMES.  GEORGE STARTS TO BRING THE TUNA TO HIS MOUTH.

KRAMER

George no!

KRAMER BATS THE SANDWICH AWAY AND IT FLOPS ONTO THE TABLE. KRAMER FLIPS BACK THE BREAD AND DIGS AROUND INSIDE THE TUNA. HE FINDS A STRIP OF PAPER LIKE THOSE FOUND IN FORTUNE COOKIES.

JERRY

Great, a fortune tuna.

KRAMER FLATTENS THE STRIP OF PAPER OUT ON THE TABLE.

ELAINE

Whatís it say?

KRAMER

It saysÖSurrender Kramer.

JERRY

Oh my God, Kramer, what are you going to do?

KRAMER

She wants a fight, sheís going to get a fight.

KRAMER LEAPS OUT OF THE BOOTH, TRIPS, FALLS OVER, JUMPS BACK UP, AND IS GONE.

GEORGE

Next time, Iíll make sure I order the Kramer safe tuna.  

                                               CUT TO:

INT.  CASUAL RESTAURANT - NIGHT

JERRY IS OUT ON A DATE WITH HAZEL.  THE TWO ARE BUSY EATING WHEN ALL OF THE SUDDEN, WITHOUT A WORD FROM JERRY, HAZEL BURSTS OUT LAUGHING.

HAZEL

That was really funny, Jerry.

JERRY

What was funny?

HAZEL

The joke you were just thinking.

JERRY

You mean the one about too much fabric softener?

HAZEL

No, about the fat lady?

JERRY

Howíd it go?

HAZEL

Well, of course she orders a lot, sheís eating for two zip codes.

JERRY SPIES A TINY LITTLE MAN EATING WITH A HUGE FAT WOMAN AT A NEARBY TABLE.

JERRY

That wasnít me.  I bet it was that guy over there.  Here.  Let me try one.

SAYING NOTHING, JERRY MIMES TELLING A JOKE.  HAZEL FROWNS.

JERRY (CONTíD)

What?  Didnít you pick it up?

HAZEL

I did.  I just didnít think it was very funny.

JERRY

It kills Ďem in the clubs.  Boy. Psychic stand-up is tough.

HAZEL

Do you like me, Jerry?

JERRY

Of course.

HAZEL

Youíre lying.

JERRY

Why would I lie to you, Hazel?

HAZEL

Because you wish I had bigger breasts.

JERRY

No.  I was thinking I wished these chairs had bigger armrests.  

                                                CUT TO:

INT. JERRYíS APARTMENT - NIGHT

JERRY SITS ON THE COUCH WITH HAZEL.

JERRY

So your parents really wanted you to be a witch?

HAZEL

Why do you think they gave me my name?

JERRY

Of course.  Witch Hazel.

THEY KISS FOR A MOMENT.

JERRY (CONTíD)

I really enjoyed tonight.

HAZEL

No you didnít.  You didnít like the food.  You donít like my body.  And you think dating a palm reader is beneath you.

JERRY

But donít you see?  Thatís a good date for me.

HAZEL

Itís okay, Jerry.  I trust you.

THEY KISS AGAIN.

JERRY

That was nice.

HAZEL

Youíd rate it a six out of ten.

JERRY JUMPS UP, ANGRY.

JERRY

Thatís it.  I canít take this anymore.  I think you should leave.

HAZEL

But donít you want to sleep with me?

JERRY

Absolutely not.

HAZEL

Letís go.

JERRY

Okay.

TOGETHER THEY HEAD INTO THE BEDROOM.

END OF ACT ONE

GO TO ACT TWO

 

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