PeteTV Up

 

ACT TWO

INT. JERRYíS APARTMENT - DAY

JERRY AND GEORGE.  THE BUZZER SOUNDS.  ITíS ELAINE.  JERRY LETS HER UP.

JERRY

She told me she trusts me.

GEORGE

Thatís no good, Jerry.  Thatís no way to start a relationship.

ELAINE ENTERS AND CLUNKS A ďLEAVE IT TO BEAVERĒ LUNCH BOX DOWN ON THE COUNTER.

ELAINE

Look what Dr. Johnny Appleseed gave me.  Can you believe it?

JERRY

He gave you a ďLeave It To BeaverĒ lunch box?

ELAINE

Yep.

GEORGE

I guess they were all out of give me your beaver lunch boxes.

JERRY

He got to third base with that?

ELAINE NODS.

JERRY (CONTíD)

So basically he stole third base.

ELAINE

He did say these were worth some money.

GEORGE

Iíll give you ten bucks for it.  Twenty if you throw in a quickie.

ELAINE

Sorry George.  (JUTS OUT HER ARM OVER GEORGEíS HEAD) You got to be this tall to get on the ride. (BEAT)  If I only knew what I was going to get before I unwrapped.

JERRY

What about Kramer?

ELAINE

Hey!  What about Kramer.

KRAMER ENTERS.  HE LOOKS LIKE HELL.

KRAMER

Come here.  You got to see this.

GEORGE

What?

KRAMER

Watch this apple.

THEY ALL GATHER AROUND THE KITCHEN COUNTER.  SLOWLY, KRAMER MOVES HIS HAND TOWARDS AN APPLE SITTING ON THE COUNTER.  WITHOUT EVEN TOUCHING IT, THE APPLE SLIDES AWAY.

GEORGE

Thatís great, Kramer.  Now make it come towards you.

KRAMER

Thatís the thing.  I canít.  I havenít had a bite to eat in twelve hours.

ELAINE

Can I ask a favor, Kramer?

KRAMER

(TO GEORGE)  Shut up, George.  I can hardly hear myself think.

GEORGE

I didnít say anything.

KRAMER

Twenty-four million, twenty-four million.  Itís like standing next to a yapping dog.  Can you go take your brain out for a walk or something?

GEORGE

All right.  Iím going to Monkís.

GEORGE LEAVES.  KRAMER STARES HARD AT ELAINE, WHO DOES HER BEST TO TELEGRAPH HER THOUGHTS.

ELAINE

SoÖwill you?

KRAMER

Will I what?

ELAINE

I just thought it.

KRAMER

Yes, Jerry.  You have to go out with Hazel tonight.

JERRY

But I donít want to.

KRAMER

But youíre my inside man, Jerry.

ELAINE

What about me?

KRAMER

Sorry, Elaine.  Iím picking up nothing but Jerry.

JERRY

All right.  Iíll be with George.

JERRY LEAVES, AND KRAMER AGAIN FOCUSES ON ELAINE.

ELAINE

Well?  Will you?

KRAMER

If you want the cheese, Elaine, go ahead and get it.

ELAINE

Cheese?  Who said anything about cheese?

KRAMER

It doesnít have to be cheese.  Youíll settle for floor scraps.

ELAINE

What are you talking about, Kramer?

KRAMER

(SMACKS HIS HEAD)  You know, I bet this building has mice.

ELAINE

You picked up a mouseís thoughts before mine?

KRAMER

Maybe you got a short in there or something.

ELAINE

Iím talking, arenít I.  Talking is thinking.

KRAMER

Just tell me, Elaine.

ELAINE

Someone is giving me a gift tonight.  I need to know what it is before I open it.

KRAMER

So youíre dating a fur trader.  You got anything he touched?

SHE HANDS KRAMER THE LUNCH BOX.  KRAMER CLUTCHES IT.

ELAINE

What?  What are you getting?

KRAMER

He likes post-it notes.

ELAINE

Yeah, so.  So do I.

KRAMER

No, Elaine.  He really likes post-it notes.  The ones that comeÖ

ELAINE

Drop it, Kramer.

KRAMER

I got it.  Water.  Make him drink lots of water.

ELAINE

Why?

KRAMER

The manís got no bladder.  You get him drinking, heíll be in the bathroom every fifteen minutes.  And when he goes into the bathroom, Iíll come out of the bathroom and work my magic.

A KNOCK ON THE DOOR.  ELAINE AND KRAMER LOOK AT EACH OTHER.

ELAINE

George?

KRAMER

Sounds like Georgeís knock.

THE KNOCK SOUNDS AGAIN.  ELAINE OPENS THE DOOR TO THE WITCH.

KRAMER

You can imitate knocks?

RUTH

I can imitate any knock in the known universe.

KRAMER AND RUTH GLARE AT EACH OTHER.

RUTH (CONTíD)

Youíre no match for me.  Give it back.

KRAMER

You want itÖcome and get it.

THE TWO STARE EACH OTHER DOWN.  KRAMER, BACKING UP, ALL OF THE SUDDEN SNEEZES.

RUTH

Ha!  You want another?

THE TWO GO BACK TO STARING.  RUTH SUDDENLY HICCUPS.

RUTH (CONTíD)

Why you demon, hic.

KRAMER

Thereís more where that came from.

AS KRAMER SNEEZES, THE WITCH HICCUPS.

RUTH

This isnít the end of me.

THE WITCH TURNS AND IS GONE.  ELAINE CLOSES THE DOOR.  KRAMER SITS DOWN, EXHAUSTED.

KRAMER

War is hell.

ELAINE

Thatís it?  Thatís the big battle to the finish.

KRAMER

What?  You think itís easy?

ELAINE

What are you going to do next, give her chapped lips?

KRAMER

Iíve got to see Jerry.  You coming?

ELAINE

No.  But you will be there tonight?

KRAMER

Right in the bathroom.  

                                                    CUT TO:

INT.  MONKíS - DAY

GEORGE AND JERRY SIT EATING.  KRAMER JOINS THEM.  AS HE SITS DOWN ALL THE PLATES ON THE TABLE SCOOT AWAY EXCEPT A DISH OF GEORGEíS COLE SLAW.

JERRY

What do you know?  Looks like cole slaw isnít part of the embargo.

KRAMER LOOKS AT IT LONGINGLY.

GEORGE

Go ahead.  Take it.

KRAMER STARTS SHOVELING THE SLAW DOWN.

KRAMER

(MOUTH FULL)  You got to go out with Hazel tonight, Jerry.  Find out how I can lift this curse.  (PAUSE) Uh oh, this slaw is bad.

KRAMER JUMPS UP AND MAKES A BEE-LINE TO THE BATHROOM.

JERRY

I donít want to go out with Hazel.  I donít want the truth.  I canít handle the truth.

GEORGE

Who could?  Honesty is the worst policy.

JERRY

I canít even tell her half-truths.

GEORGE

Hey, Jerry.  What if I go out on the date with you?

JERRY

Thatís a great idea, George.  With your brain making all that noise, I could probably tell her I love her and sheíd believe me.

JERRY AND GEORGE SHARE A WICKED LAUGH.  

                                                                                            CUT TO:

INT. FANCY RESTAURANT - NIGHT

ELAINE AND CHUCK ARE ON THEIR DATE.

CHUCK

I brought you a gift, Elaine.

CHUCK HANDS OVER A GIFT.  ITíS BIGGER THAN A LUNCH BOX AND IS WRAPPED IN SILVER, MIRRORED WRAPPING PAPER.

ELAINE

What is it?

CHUCK

Why donít you open it?

ELAINE LIFTS HER WATER GLASS TO MAKE A TOAST.

ELAINE

Cheers.  To...Jacques Cousteau.

CHUCK GIVES ELAINE A STRANGE LOOK THEN CLINKS AND DRINKS.

CHUCK

That reminds me.  Iíve got to go to the bathroom.

CHUCK GOES TO THE BATHROOM.  

                                                                                    CUT TO:

INT. CASUAL RESTAURANT - NIGHT

JERRY AND GEORGE JOIN HAZEL, WHO IS ALREADY SEATED.  SITTING DOWN, GEORGE HUMS ďDO YOU BELIEVE IN MAGIC?Ē

HAZEL

Why did you bring him, Jerry?

JERRY

I couldnít help it.  He made me.

HAZEL CONSIDERS THIS.

HAZEL

Yes, I can see that.  He is quite powerful.

GEORGE

MeÖpowerful?

HAZEL

Tell me.  What is all this about twenty-four million?

GEORGE

Iím glad you asked becauseÖ

HAZEL

Is this money you have invested?

GEORGE

As a matter of factÖyes.  You see, itís all very simple.  I am a rich and powerful man.

JERRY

What can you tell us about your Aunt?

HAZEL

You must be careful with Aunt Ruth.  Sheís a shape shifter.

JERRY

A shape shifterÖyou mean she wears a girdle?

HAZEL

Aunt Ruth can take any shape she wants.  She can become any person she wants.

GEORGE

Then why would she choose to be soÖugly.

JERRY

Who knows?  Maybe sheís a babe in witching circles.  

                                                    CUT TO:

INT. BATHROOM - NIGHT

A MAN STEPS AWAY FROM THE URINAL, ZIPS UP, AND APPROACHES KRAMER, WHO IS LOITERING BY THE SINKS.  THE MAN HOLDS HIS HANDS OVER THE SINK EXPECTANTLY.  KRAMER LOOKS CONFUSED.

KRAMER

Oh.  Yes sir.

KRAMER TWISTS ON THE WATER.  THE MAN WASHES HIS HANDS, KRAMER SHUTS OFF THE WATER AND HANDS HIM TOWELS.  NEXT, KRAMER PULLS A COMB FROM HIS BACK POCKET AND HANDS IT TO THE MAN, WHO COMBS HIS HAIR.

MAN

Mint?

KRAMER SEARCHES HIS POCKETS, FINALLY GIVING THE MAN A STICK OF GUM.  THE MAN SLIPS KRAMER A DOLLAR AND EXITS.

CHUCK ENTERS AND WALKS TOWARD THE STALLS.  KRAMER GIVES HIM A KNOWING LOOK.

KRAMER

Iíd stay out of that middle stall if I were you.  Boy.  If toilets could speak.  

                                                    CUT TO:

INT. FANCY RESTAURANT - NIGHT

KRAMER HAS HIS HAND ON THE GIFT.

ELAINE

What do you see, Kramer?

KRAMER

I see a purse.  A black leather purse.

ELAINE

Thatís it.  One lousy purse?

KRAMER

Whatís wrong with a purse?  It's not like heís shopping on the new car lot or anything.

ELAINE

Come on.  Thereís got to be something else in there.

KRAMER

Wait!  Iím picking up something yellow.  Bright yellow.

ELAINE

Gold.  I bet itís gold.

KRAMER

Nope.  Post-it notes.  Two packs.

ELAINE

Green.  Do you see any green?

KRAMER

Did I mention the post-its?

ELAINE

Forget about the post-its, Kramer.

KRAMER

Iím trying to, but itís like theyíre sticking to my brain.  (BEAT) Hey! Iím getting some green. Itís one bill. And on the bill I see a one and a...

ELAINE

How many zeros?  Three? Four?

KRAMER

Nope.  Just a dollar bill.

ELAINE

It canít be.

KRAMER

Hey!  Hereís something.

ELAINE

What?

KRAMER

That dollar bill was touched by William Shatner.

CHUCK COMES OUT OF THE BATHROOM.  ELAINE SEES HIM.

ELAINE

Heís coming.  Get out of here, Kramer.

KRAMER RUSHES AWAY AS CHUCK RETURNS TO THE TABLE.

CHUCK

What was that person just doing here?

ELAINE

Who?

CHUCK

That guy.  Standing by the gift.

ELAINE

Oh him.  You know, I think he must have caught his reflection on the mirrored paper.  He just stood here staring at himself.  You know those vain types.

CHUCK

Yeah, Iíve just never seen one that looked like that.

                                         CUT TO:

INT. CASUAL RESTAURANT - NIGHT

JERRY, GEORGE, AND HAZEL ARE EATING.

GEORGE

When they shape shift, are they anatomically correct?

HAZEL

I must tell you.  Tomorrow, Aunt Ruth is planning to turn into one of you.

JERRY

(SHOCKED) What do you mean one of us.  Which one?

HAZEL

She didnít say.  Could be any one of you.

GEORGE

Your Aunt Ruth must really be a glutton for punishment.       

                                                    CUT TO:

INT. FANCY RESTAURANT - NIGHT

ELAINE

I canít accept this gift, Chuck.

CHUCK

Why not, Elaine?

ELAINE

Itís just...you give me such nice things.  But they make me feel so obligated.

CHUCK

But itís a beautiful purse, Elaine.

ELAINE

I know, Chuck.  But I canít.

CHUCK

But I even put in a dollar for good luck.

ELAINE

Sorry, but that ainít going to get you to the final frontier.

CHUCK

I see.  Well...I can always take back the purse.  But there was something else...a five hundred dollar gift certificate to Saks. I guess Iíll just have to give that to charity.  (BEAT)  But I respect your decision, Elaine.  Really, I do.  And I guess youíll also want to pay for dinner.  So you donít feel so obligated.

ELAINE IS FURIOUS.

ELAINE

Kramer!  (EYEING THE MENU)  Hmmm. You know, wouldnít you rather eat somewhere else?

CHUCK

I know.  Letís go to my place.  We can have dinner in bed.

ELAINE

Yeah...whatever.  

                                                    CUT TO:

INT. JERRYíS APARTMENT - NEXT DAY

JERRY AND ELAINE.

ELAINE

And get this...he had the nerve to ask me to pay for dinner.

JERRY

So whatíd you do?

ELAINE

I slept with him.  Sure beats buying dinner.

THE BUZZER RINGS AND ITíS GEORGE.  JERRY LETS HIM UP.

ELAINE (CONTíD)

And you know something?  Best sex I ever had.

JERRY

Proof that the market system works.

ELAINE

So if I want to go out with him againÖdoes that mean I have to buy him a gift?

JERRY

Afraid so.

ELAINE

What about you and the palm reader?

JERRY

It didnít work out.  I mean, how am I supposed to build a relationship of trust if I canít tell a lie?

ELAINE SHRUGS.  GEORGE ENTERS.

JERRY (CONTíD)

How you doing, George?

GEORGE

Nope.  Not answering any questions.  Remember, one of us is the witch.

ELAINE

Come on.  You can trust us.

GEORGE

Right now, I donít even trust myself.  For all I know, I could have been switched on the way here.

JERRY

Fascinating.  Youíve actually developed a conspiracy theory about yourself.

THE DOOR SNAPS OPEN.  KRAMER ENTERS LOOKING LIKE A ZOMBIE.  HE COLLAPSES ON THE COUCH WITHOUT A WORD.

JERRY (CONTíD)

All right.  Now that weíre all here, whoís the witch?

  ELAINE

Letís face it.  Out of any of us, sheíd probably choose me.

GEORGE

Sorry, Elaine.  I think sheíd have to pick me.

JERRY

Iíd have to go with Elaine.

GEORGE

Jerry didnít pick himself.  Very suspicious.

JERRY

Thatís right, George.  Youíre on to me.

GEORGE

Actually, I think itísÖElaine.

ELAINE

Itís not me, you idiot.

GEORGE

Gotcha.  Thatís exactly what a witch would say.

JERRY

I donít know.  I donít think a witch would sound soÖwitchy.

GEORGE

And wouldnít a woman be much more likely turn into another woman.

JERRY

I think we have our witch.

ELAINE

Especially if her only other choice is you two losers.

  JERRY

Sheís a witch.

GEORGE

A witch.

ELAINE

Thatís ridiculous.  I was just sayingÖ

GEORGE

Youíre a witch.

THE TWO SURROUND HER, CROWDING HER, CHANTING WITCH, WITCH, WITCH.  ELAINE BACKS UP, SUDDENLY AFRAID.

JERRY

What have you done with the real Elaine?

A KNOCK SOUNDS FROM THE DOOR.  JERRY LOOKS CONFUSED.

ELAINE

WellÖare you going to get it?

JERRY

Keep an eye on her, George.

ELAINE

Right.  I just might make a break for the broom.

JERRY OPENS THE DOOR A CRACK AND ITíS NEWMAN.  NEWMAN TRIES TO PEEK INSIDE THE APARTMENT.

JERRY

Hello Newman.

NEWMAN

Whereís Kramer?

JERRY

Heís not here.

NEWMAN

He promised to come play bingo with me.  Weíre going to clean up.

 HEARING THIS, GEORGE SNATCHES THE DOOR WIDE OPEN.

GEORGE

Bingo.  Heís not helping you with bingo until he helps me win lotto.

NEWMAN

What do you know?  So there he is.

NEWMAN ENTERS THE APARTMENT.  KRAMER SUDDENLY JOLTS UPRIGHT.

KRAMER

Six...Fourteen.

GEORGE

Hey!  I think those are lotto numbers.

NEWMAN

Lottoís better then bingo.

THEY ALL CROWD AROUND KRAMER.

KRAMER

Twenty-one.

GEORGE

No, Kramer.  Not in front of everybody.  I wonít share it.  I refuse to share it.

GEORGE STARTS HUMMING A SONG LOUDLY, DROWNING OUT THE NEXT TWO NUMBERS KRAMER READS.  SUDDENLY, GEORGE STOPS HUMMING AND LOOKS AROUND, CONFUSED.

GEORGE (CONTíD)

Hey!  What were those numbers?  (SHAKING KRAMER) I didnít hear those numbers?

KRAMER READS THE LAST NUMBER BUT ITíS TOTALLY DROWNED OUT BY GEORGEíS TIRADE.  FINISHED, KRAMER SLUMPS BACK DOWN.

GEORGE (CONTíD)

And that number.  What was that number?

NEWMAN PLACES HIS HAND ON KRAMERíS SHOULDER FOR A MOMENT.

JERRY

I don't know, but what was that song you were humming?

GEORGE

What about you?  Did you get the numbers, Newman?

NEWMAN

Maybe I did.  Maybe I didnít.

NEWMAN CACKLES AND EXITS THE APARTMENT.

GEORGE

Come on, Kramer.  Give me those numbers again.  Iíll split the pot with you.  Fifty-fifty.  I have to have those numbers.

KRAMER SITS UP STRAIGHT.  SLOWLY, HE STANDS.

KRAMER

What do you know?  Itís gone.  Itís totally gone.  I canít hear George thinking anymore.

GEORGE

What do you mean, gone?  You canít just lose it, Kramer.

KRAMER

Guess what?  That wasnít Newman.

JERRY

So Newman was the witch.

ELAINE

But Newmanís not one of us.

 JERRY

No.  Heís more like two of us.

ELAINE

I got to hand it to her.  Anybody willing to turn into Newman...

JERRY

Who knew they could shift so much shape.

GEORGE

I canít believe it.  Newman.

JERRY

Well, at least we can finally get back to normal.

KRAMER IS HALFWAY OUT THE DOOR.

KRAMER

Not me.  Iíll never be the same again.

ELAINE

Oh yeah, why?

KRAMER

Ruth.  Ruth is out there.  

                                                FADE OUT

END OF ACT TWO

TAG

INT. JERRYíS APT - DAY

JERRY, GEORGE, AND ELAINE.  GEORGE SITS DOWN.

GEORGE

Twenty-four million.  I lost twenty-four million dollars.

ELAINE

Yeah.  Well I lost six million.

GEORGE

No you donít, Elaine.  It was my idea, so I get to take the full loss.  The misery is mine.  All mine.

JERRY

Who knows, George.  Maybe one day youíll get lucky and lose a hundred million.

GEORGE

I can only hope, Jerry.  I can only hope.     

                                          FADE OUT

 

 

[HOME]